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Title: To Blame
By: Pancake

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  blah blah blah

Summary: Aeryn thinks about some stuff and it's not all that pretty.

Author's Notes:  Alright, this is not for the little ones.  It's a little
bit suicidal.  The  things in \\ - \\ are what she's thinking.  Everything
else is what she's doing.

Oh another thing, I just figured that if  Sebeacan are really sensitive to
heat, a hot blade would hurt about ten times more than a normal blade.

Rating: R ? I don't know!!!

Feedback: I would love some, it keeps me writin if you wish it to.

Remember, not for the little ones.

She slowly slid the hot metal knife across her forearm, press harder as she

\\ If it weren't for him I wouldn't be here.  I probably would of already
died along with my comrades, my regiment. \\
Press a little less.

. \\ If he hadn't arrived I would of never felt any emotions \\
Press a little harder, see, feel the blood come forth in a rush down her arm
the hot blade causing even more pain inside as her insides twisted.

\\ If I hadn't been so foolish to be stabbed by Larraq, He would of never
had to go to that godforsaken base.\\
press a little harder, slid a little more, blood now slowly trickling down
her arm, to her fingers.

\\ If  it weren't for me he could of never met Scorpius\\
press more

\\ If he never met Scorpius, we wouldn't be hunted down so much\\
press harder, slid more

\\ If he never met Scorpius, he would still have that shine in his eyes that
I thought he had lost\\
slid across more, the hot blade searing the skin it came across

\\ That shine that came back on Talyn\\
lift the blade out from its path on her arm. Whip her sweat soaked  forehead
with the back of her hand still holding the knife.

\\ that shine that died on Talyn with him\\
watch as the blood and sweat mix, trailing down her arm.  A drop falls to
the floor, starting a small puddle.

\\ The moments together on Talyn as we talked, kissed, made love...\\
reheat the blood-tainted blade.

\\ The other, the copy, that stayed on Moya.\\
place the blade back on her arm, above the last cut

\\ The copy's exactness, the copy's obvious need, want, love for me\\
slid the edge across the skin, not pressing yet

\\ The spark the hope in his eyes when I stepped off that pod\\
Tears rolling down her alabaster skin like a jewel

\\ The devastation the failure, at my response to him. My cold and unwanting
response to him.  All caused by me\\
the hot edge pressed in to her skin creating a fresh cut, a new opening.
She gasped as the blood started to flow.

\\ All the innocence he had held lost because of me.  The wonder and seek
for knowledge, killed off by one person. Me\\
press even harder, the pain continuous, sliding across her arm.  Opening it
up like a smile, blood pouring out. 

\\ It's all my fault, everything was my fault.  I caused the one person I
love, I care for most in the world, the most pain.\\
the puddle beneath her hand where all the first drop have fallen growing as
she continued her assault on her own body.  The burning of the blade causing
more sweat to accumulate making the open wounds to sting

\\ My fault. All of it\\

\\ I killed Velorek\\

\\ I destroyed every person that has ever cared for me\\

\\ My mother paid with her career her spirit, her everything for me, to tell
me she loved me.\\

\\ My father paid for loving me and creating me by dieing at the hands at
the one person he loved.\\

\\ My mother died again, killing my father\\

\\ Velorek saw more in me, cared for me.  I killed him by telling Crais of
his betrayal\\

\\ Larraq started to care for me, the virus said he liked me.  He died. \\

\\ John, my John  died to be the hero he felt he had to be, to prove himself
to the world, to me.\\

\\ The John of before's death of innocence, of caring, of being.\\

Each thought, causing a deeper cut than the physical wound she would cause
on herself. 

"Aeryn, you are needed on command"

It was Pilot.  On the comm.

"I'll be right there"  her voice cold, stationary, commanding.

She looked at the cut on her arm \\ that may need some medical attention\\
she had cut dead, the blood still flowing down her arm as she wrapped it up
tightly and cleaned herself hastily as she made her way to command to face
everyone else there, and the copy. 

\\ Release can come later.\\


Contact Pancake


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