Before They Were Stars - John Crichton
Heroic, but flawed jungle ride skipper

John Crichton is well known in Farscape circles as a man of action, bravery, and intelligence. However, he is probably most noted for annoying his costars with the use of inane statements known as Crichtonisms. There has been much speculation as to why a well-educated man would use such a bizarre form of communication. Through the exhaustive efforts of our researchers and in consultation with experts in psychiatry, the origin of these statements has been revealed.

We have discovered that John Crichton, between acting jobs, spent most of his time as the skipper of a Jungle Riverboat at Disney World. Honing communication skills that would serve him well in his acting career, John spent years developing statements such as:

"You fall out of this boat, I'm not going in after you - that water's cold as a frog's ass!"

and

"See this giant elephant gun? I could shoot a bird from a hundred yards - slicker 'n snot!"

John Crichton was the subject of numerous complaints regarding his unusual use of southern metaphors during his jungle cruises. Foreign tourists in particular were often left confused and frustrated by John's inane statements. Despite Disney's best efforts to salvage the career of their young skipper, John Crichton was terminated on September 17, 1997 for "inappropriate use of unauthorized and confusing statements and the general disregard of Disney's time-tested and much loved Jungle Ride script."

Unfortunately, psychiatrists tell us that John Crichton can no longer tell the difference between aliens on a living ship and foreign tourists on a fake boat. It is hoped, with much needed therapy, John will one day regain his sense of reality.

While searching Disney and Orlando Sentinel archives for photos of John piloting his jungle boat, we came across a forgotten story that may be of some interest to scapers. We believe it is proof that John Crichton doesn't just play a hero on television, but is one in real life. See newspaper headline on sidebar.

 

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John perfected his acting skills working as the skipper of a Jungle Riverboat like this one at Disney World. Former coworkers remember him as being very unpopular with the foreign tourists, whom he often referred to as critters.

 

"Something tells me we're not out of the woods yet, because when you've been in the jungle as long as I have, you begin to smell. Smell danger that is!"

 

Filming Jeremiah Crichton must have made John quite homesick.

 

John's quick thinking may have averted a tragedy of historic proportion. For the compete story click here

 
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