just put your mouth on mine like this and blow."
I can hear him tell me again how many breaths and how many compressions.
showed me how it was done. But all I am thinking about, all I am
the taste of his open mouth on mine. He was focused on his task
and I still
feel his warm breath as he blows into my mouth, showing me what
to do, just
What if I pass out from the pleasure, then what happens John, was
thru my head.
We are safe now so I can let myself remember the touch, the wetness
mouth as he instructed me in the earth rescue technique. He was
about dying and all I can do is feel. And with my eyes closed it
feel like a technique but something I might have been wanting for
The truth is there in my mind and I let it come to the surface because
are safe now and we are not alone. And no-one knows what I am thinking
We are safe now from the peril of death and the peril of life. Safe
Dargo came just in time. Just in time to save us. In more ways then
And because we are safe and nothing happened, I can let myself remember.
can remember it all. Every moment of our time together.
I am a soldier, I always will be. But now I know there is something
inside me, wanting, no, craving to get out. And it is all because
human. This human, that has to all intents and purpose, ruined my
Because of him, well it is easier if I have someone to blame. Because
him, here I am, a fugitive and away from all I have ever known and
is familiar.. But now I can ask myself a question that would never
been thought, let alone uttered.. "Is that really such a bad
thing. Was I
missing something that I now have. Is my life really ruined or has
Now I have questions when before I just did what I was told to do.
other time I remember thinking beyond the box was with Velorak.
cant go there. He planted a seed and even though I did do something
myself then, the after affects made me pull the rope tight once
Keeping it tight is the only way peacekeepers know how to live.
That is the
only way to get thru the day without excess baggage. No encumbrances.
only way I knew to live.
And then this human comes along and again things inside me start
unravel. John Crichton. Showing me things I never wanted to see.
feel. Making me.more. Words that haunt me still.
And now I have more 'feelings' to keep me awake at night. This human
feelings. They go hand in hand with every day of my life now.
And so I remember.
His mouth, I want to feel it on mine again. But a part of me knows
letting myself remember what happened on the transport pod I am
trouble. For unrest. For indecision. For turmoil...Or just maybe.Maybe
joy. For peace. For things I never dreamt about or let myself even
being possible. For a moment I want more.
Remembering letting go and just taking each other's mouth and nearly
other's bodies. Remembering the rush, the excitement even amidst
thought of knowing it was our last actions before death claimed
when John kissed me, death was not on my mind. I was full of want.
I wanted, needed, his mouth on mine. I wanted flesh. Bare flesh.
Not just any flesh though.. I wanted his bare flesh on mine. I let
remember and relish the thought of touching his bare flesh in the
passion. And though it was brought on by the thought of death it
magnificent passion unleashed.
I feel it start in the pit of my stomach as I let myself remember.
unfurl in lower places. I shift on my seat uncomfortably.
We didn't get bare flesh because Dargo came in and 'rescued' us.
And I know
that there wouldn't have been too much bare flesh right then. We
intent on uncovering the necessary parts to sate our passion.
But was it real. That question too comes to my mind. Was it real
the heat of the moment. And part of me doesn't care. It was good.
liberating. It made me feel. And in that moment and when I thought
going to be too late to save John Crichton I knew I wanted to feel
. I knew
deep inside me I didn't want to lose this feeling.
When I made the decision to stop working on the pod and bring John
me, I knew it was the right choice. I didn't have time to think.
with my feelings right at that moment. Yes I was going to die, but
want to die alone. I wanted to feel some connection to another person.
And my feelings, my instinct, told me I had to save John Crichton.
John Crichton with me, alive. If these were my last moments alive
wanted to spend them with John. My heart, yes, that organ that I
thought of in terms of pumping blood thru my veins, wanted, no,
human alive. At all cost.
This is what he has brought me to. The soldier in me rebels at the
of needing this human. This weak, inferior, hard to understand human.
soldier in me needs to tell myself that he is weak, he is inferior.
don't want to understand him. That I don't need anything from him.
cant ever let myself need him for anything. I am a soldier, I was
be a soldier. If I let myself give into that need again then all
lost. I will be lost.
Or will I, for the first time, truly know myself. Will I gain it
I be more. I hear that little voice faintly as I push it away..A
have to repress. A voice I will repress. I will. I will. And deep
hear it laugh at my self delusion. But I need this self delusion.
I am a
soldier and I will prevail. I will.
But as we speed back to Moya, with this human sitting close enough
to reach out and touch, I remember.
And when I put on my peacekeeper armor, the peacekeeper face, I
And when we leave the transport pod and go our separate ways, I
And when I am standing with him next to me at the controls of Moya,
And when we tell each other that it could have, would have, happened
any other person, in those same circumstances, I remember.
I remember his mouth on mine.
I remember wanting, needing, to feel his bare flesh under my hands.
me. Inside me.
I remember that I didn't want him to die.
I remember that I didn't want to die alone..
I remember that I wanted more. I wanted him. I wanted something
know the name for.
I remember telling myself that if I was going to die, I needed to
connected to someone, anyone. A lie.
I remember the truth. And it lives deep inside me.
Because I remember that the truth is that I didn't just want anyone.
needed John Crichton and no other.
Because in the dark of the night I remember just what I felt when
I would never see, never hear, never touch, this man again.
I remember thinking that he touches something inside me that has
I remember that my heart truly beat for the first time when I heard
breath of revival.
And I liked it.
I remember it all but I push it deep inside where it has to stay.
locked away so that I can be the soldier I am supposed to be.
But who knows when another life or death situation will release
Release my heart. My heart that is no longer alone. My heart that
to him, even now.
I remember but I must forget. I will forget. I will.
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