Jungle Boat Sinks
By Justin Monjo
Sentinel staff writer
officials confirmed a Jungle Cruise riverboat collided with an unknown
object yesterday, sinking the vessel. Details are still unclear
as to the exact cause of the accident, but early indications point
toward mechanical failure. Based on passenger accounts, the following
is a reconstruction of the boating incident.
five minutes into the "cruise," the fiberglass-hulled
vessel became disconnected from its track and went out of control.
The jungle boat skipper, apparently unaware that his piloting wheel
was nothing more than a useless prop, frantically attempted to steer
the vessel out of harms way. The suddenly turbulent excursion ended
when the vessel collided with an unknown object thirty feet from
the waterfall. Victims report the boat came to a sudden and violent
halt throwing everyone aboard toward the bow of the stricken vessel.
Taking on water at a terrifying pace, the vessel started listing
to port and the tourists panicked.
to avert the worst navel disaster in the history of Disney World,
the skipper fired his Disney-issued weapon into the air in a futile
attempt at getting everyone's attention. Unfortunately, the plastic
foam elephant gun proved unsuccessful at bringing the panic to a
halt. Utilizing the only tool available to him, the skipper pulled
an ax from the boat toolbox and threatened to hack off the foot
of anyone who didn't follow his commands.
ax proved an effective calming technique and the skipper initiated
an orderly evacuation of the boat. He stunned the tourists by revealing
a little known fact that the 20' long alligators they had seen only
moments before were in fact fake. The tourists could simply wade
through the shallow water without the fear of being eaten. The skipper
completed the evacuation of the sinking boat by tossing three uncooperative
tourists, who mindlessly clung to the foundering vessel, overboard.
the passengers made it to shore, were treated by Disney medical
personnel, and released with coveted free passes to the "Pocahontas
on Ice" show.
skipper's identity a mystery
Sentinel staff reports
by some passengers as the man who saved many lives, the jungle boat
skipper's identity has remained a mystery. Though some victims complained
the skipper displayed rude and cocky behavior during the mishap,
others praised his take-charge attitude during a time of crisis.
Though Disney officials refuse to identify the park employee piloting
the vessel, victims report the skipper called himself "Jungle
John." Several passengers claim the skipper, whose unconventional
use of boating terminology annoyed some, spoke with a definite "Carolinian"
accent. It was also mentioned by several witnesses the skipper bore
a striking resemblance to "Sam," a character on Fox's
Party of Five television program. Shortly after all the passengers
where pulled from the murky water, the boat skipper was whisked
away by park supervisors and hasn't been seen since. Attempts to
identify and contact the mystery skipper have been unsuccessful.
passenger terrorized by mechanical hippo
Sentinel staff reports
the 22 passengers on board the vessel yesterday, none reported any
serious injury. However, one German tourist, identified as Hilde
Boertlin, did experience more of a thrill than she bargained for.
Wading through 3' deep water with her fellow passengers, Mrs. Boertlin
was attacked from below by a mechanical hippopotamus. The contraption,
designed to rise out of the water when sensors detect something
pass by, interpreted the floating tourist as a boat and was activated.
Witnessed by dozens of horrified tourists, Mrs. Boertlin was picked
up by the hippopotamus and flung toward the shore. Landing upon
an African hut, the woman's fall was broken by the grass and bamboo
structure and she was unharmed. Rescued by 17 park guests--all lawyers--Mrs.
Boertlin refused medical treatment and proceeded with her planned
activities. Attempts to reach the Boerlin family for further comment
have been unsuccessful.
When asked to locate Sydney, Australia on a map, 64% of Americans
placed it in Greenland and 11% didn't think it existed at all.
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