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Disclaimer: All Characters relating to Farscape are not mine, the story and ideas within are.

Summary: Aeryn isn't handling the death of Talyn John very well. It's Aeryn's POV. If blood makes you squeamish, don't read on. It's not for the faint hearted.

Setting: Is set after Infinite Possibilities: Part 2: Icarus Abides

Authors Notes: This is my first time at writing a fan fic, so I hope you enjoy it. And Feed Back is always appreciated. Also I am sorry if I offend or upset anyone with this story.

Rating: 15

Loneliness

2002 ABANDON.a.k.a. Paula McCrossan

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Aeryn is sat on the floor in her quarters onboard Talyn. Those are the quarters she use to share with John. It's now been a weeken and her contact between the crew on Moya and Talyn has been none. She has got a bottle of raslak in her hands.

Its cold again, but this time its dark, still, like I'm alone.... I am alone, totally alone. Although I'm surrounded by people who care for me, and I care for them, but now I just don't seem to care anymore, not since.... since you left me. Why did you have to frelling leave me, to be the hero. I use to find the darkness comforting; to be alone was my protection, protecting myself from emotions. But now, I feel like, there's a deep void in my chest where my heart use to be. It's no longer there, you took it with you when you left. When you left for good, and left me behind. You took my world, my soul, my every being. But now that's all gone, when you selfishly left me behind, all you needed to do was to ask me to come with you, and I would of, you were my world. Have you gone to your afterlife that you believed in, when loved ones meet up with those that have passed on before them. It feels strange to think that I'll see your face again.... you showed me emotions, which I never knew existed in this life, and in myself. I was so naive to think that I would not feel anything towards you, as I was born and bred to oppress my emotions to be a trained as a killing machine, I am a Peacekeeper...I was a Peacekeeper. And who's fault is that, yours, I can't believe I ever fell for your human charms. You took everything away from me, which I had ever known. I hated you for it. But.... if I hadn't met you, I would have never felt this way. Of knowing what its like to truly love someone, I now know what that feels like, I also know what it feels like to loose someone. I feel sick knowing that I will never smell that distinct non-Sebacean scent of yours. God, thinking about it tears my stomach apart with the pain. I can't do this anymore; I can't carry on living.

The others, they don't understand, they told me to live, to carry on as that's what you would of wanted. How the hezmana do they know, hey, how the frell do they know. I just can't hold on to anything anymore, everyone that I have loved or has loved me is dead, first there was Velorek, who I sent to his death, and I'm responsible for killing him. I loved him back then, however I didn't understand what it was. He told me "I Could be more", you said the same thing to me when we first met. Do you remember? It's all my fault; everything is all my fault. It's my fault Zhaan's dead. She gave her life for me, and for what, a piece of dren, as that's all I'm worth. And now you...lost from me forever.

She takes a swig of the raslak from the cold steal metal bottle. Which feels like ice in her hands.

I hate myself, everything I touch I destroy, I'm a monster, a monster which needs to be destroyed to protect the well being of the others. I know what they think of me; they blame me too for Zhaan's and John's death. As I too blame myself. A friend wouldn't do that to another friend and especially to her lover. To kill them, to take their life tragically away from them. Its my fault John's dead, as if I had never acted like the Peacekeeper bitch that I am I would of never got stabbed by Larraq, which meant John wouldn't have to play the hero, by trying to save my life by going on to that frelling Gammak Base. Which meant we would have never met Scorpius, and he would of never discovered that frelling wormhole technology in his head.

She takes another swig of the raslak, which tastes tangy and bitter against her dry mouth. As she's about to take another, she notices something gleaming out of the corner of her eye. She moves over to pick it up, as she draws closer she recognizes what it is...its John's knife. She picks it up and then sits back down where she was. Contemplating her next move.

Someone like me doesn't deserve happiness.............................................deserve to die!

With one slow slash she places the knifes cold smooth blade over her bare flesh on her wrists. At first nothing happens, until theirs a river of blood oozing from the 1/2-inch incision which was made there a few seconds ago. She makes another incision but this time to her other wrist. As she sees the blood falling to the ground to join the pool of blood which has already formed on the floor around her feet. She starts to feel a sense of release, as if releasing her inner most demons to the vast voids of the Uncharted Territories. A sense of drossiness envelops her, as she falls onto the cold and unwelcoming floor.

Their have been many times when I have felt the icy breath of death upon me, but this time it feels different, it feels comforting, that I know I wont be judged for the things I have done in the past. That I will be welcomed...you always welcomed me, even after you learnt about what I had done in the past when I was a Peacekeeper. You made me feel that I belonged that I belonged there with you.

It wont be long now...all of my Peacekeeper training could not prepare me for what I feel now, happiness. As the pain is slowly dying inside of me.

The room is starting to grow blacker and blacker. As she is slipping away from this cruel world which she wishes not to live in anymore. The world, which tried to turn her, heart into stone, the world were power and greed rule over the weak. The world in which shows too many memories and heartache.

I can see you smiling at me...I'm nearly there. The old life is nearly gone, it wont be long now until I start this new life their with you. I've missed you so much...the pain is nearly gone. I don't feel alone anymore...I feel like I belong. Here with you. The pain is finally gone...we're together again. I will never let you go again. Never.

I'm finally at peace..

The End

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So what did you think? Please R&R as I'll be interested in what you think. I know its a bit depressing and I am sorry if it has offended anyone. Please don't hold that against me :-(. Thanxs for your time.

 

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