FARTSCAPE: A Tale of Flatulence & Food
By Iris Green
© Iris Green 2002
Continued from part 4
all her various herbs and bottles of medicenes, prepared to analyze
the dreaded sample John was to be bringing her. It wasn't
what she wanted to be doing at that very moment, but she wanted
to help. With a cloth tied over her nose and mouth, and thick
gloves on her hands, she awaited John's arrival. And when
he stepped through the door with the sample in hand she wanted to
kick herself for being so helpful all the time.
"Here you are,"
John said, holding his nose away from the open container.
to hand it to her, but Zhaan put out her palm to stop him.
"Stand right there." She went behind her worktable and returned
with what looked like an extremely large pair of hot dog tongs.
From John's estimation, they had to be at least six feet long.
"Alright, hold it out."
John did as
he was told and Zhaan reached with the tongs to grab it. She
carefully took hold of it with the tongs, then gently and quite
cautiously maneuvered the tongs and foul sample across the room
to the burner at the other end. She set the glass carefully
on top and then put the tongs down.
"You may go
wait outside," Zhaan instructed. "And please ask Pilot to
raise the efficiency of Moya's atmospheric scrubbers for the next
Blue," John said and then rushed out.
her throat, tightened her mask, and then went to work.
outside Zhaan's lab and patiently waited for her to finish.
John pressed the button on his comm.
Pilot's voice came back over the comms.
you to turn the atmospheric scrubbers up a few notches for the next
"I shall Commander."
And then the
crackle of the connection was gone. John leaned up against
the wall and whistled a random tune. *This is worse than waiting
at the doctor's office.* He really wanted his issue to be
gone. He was sick of smelling bad and sick of the bowel problems
he was having. It wasn't worth it. *That is the last
time I ever eat anything touched by Rygel.*
At the sound
of footsteps coming down the hall he straightened up.
It was Aeryn.
With a rag held up to her face, covering her nose and mouth.
mumbled through the cloth. "Has Zhaan found a cure?"
a sample now."
at him painfully. She knew what he meant by sample.
"I sure hope
she finds something," John commented, scrunching up his face as
he let out a harmless, silent fart.
her mouth to speak, taking the rag away briefly. "Yes.
I hope so as well because I can't -- " She breathed in. "By
Cholak that is foul!"
and dug his foot into the floor. "Sorry," he mumbled.
coughed, "It's quite alright." She coughed again, nearly gagging.
"It's not so bad."
choking on my stench. Don't tell me it isn't bad."
She was speechless.
could speak they were both distracted by a loud thud inside Zhaan
"What was that?"
they both said simultaneously.
the doors, they rushed into the laboratory, expecting broken glass
and exploding feces. But instead, they found no broken glass,
no exploding feces, and nothing of the kind. All they saw
was Zhaan, lying on the floor, face down, not moving.
John went over
to her, pulling his shirt up to protect his nose from the intense
stench in the room. He turned her over and she still didn't
move. Her chest was still and her eyes glassed over.
"Oh my God,
I've killed Zhaan!" John shouted.
Aeryn yelled angrily, cuffing him in the ear.
Then he looked
over at the table. "But hey, she finished the cure."
He picked up the small vial just as Chiana and Rygel came into the
he heard a thump and he wanted us to come --" Chiana saw Zhaan's
dead body. As did Rygel.
"By the Hynerian
Gods, you've killed Zhaan," he exclaimed.
at John, "You frelnik!"
his hands in surrender. He was sorry. But he was also
glad to have the cure in his hands.
Blade drawn, hurried into the already crowded lab. The first
thing he saw was Zhaan's dead body, and then he smelt John's awful
stench on the air. A DRD followed him in and scanned the room.
later Pilot's voice came in over the comms. "Oh my Kayhanu,
you've killed Zhaan!"
The Luxan growled
at John and then pointed his blade toward him. "You hezmot!"
John pleaded, showing them the vial, "she finished the cure!"
They all looked
at the bottle and then at John. Everyone shrugged.
Well, at least
the ship wouldn't stink anymore.
END OF PART
least the grossness factor has gone down a bit. Still, Zhaan's
dead. Okay, so I can't get through a fic without killing
someone. I'm sorry. It's a habit. Someone needs
to die at all times. It's my way of thinking. I know,
it's wrong. But I can't help it, gosh darnit, it's fun.
Either way, there's only one more part to go. Then this
horrible horrible nightmare will be over.
reviews, the faster it comes. Actually, no, it won't come
until the inspiration hits me again. It's taken me months
to get this done. But still. I just started like a
halfhour ago and this came out. I figured, what the hell.
I wrote some of FETIAS today already so why not work on Fartscape.
And whaddya know. Here it is.
if I get plenty reviews I may just get inspiration again.
And I think
I stopped making sense about ten minutes ago.
me at the Dominar's Domain in the 'Romances of the Past' contest!"
Because I want you to read my fic
and vote for it if you like it better than the other two there.
You'll be able to guess which one's mine. I know you will.
(Hint: it's the only one about Aeryn)
continues with part 6 >>
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