"I wont let you down, John"


And I believed her. Just like that. How, when, did this alien, this tough,
no nonsense, chick with a gun earn my trust.
Sitting here safe in the transport pod taking us back to Moya and I reflect
on her. On us. Well not really us but very nearly something.
I want to reach out and touch her to see if she is real. And at the same
time I want to run a million miles away and not look back.. This can only
end in heartache I think, even if I could see an end. Which I can't.
She is sitting so quietly and so still and avoiding me as if her life
depended on it.

And as I watch her out of the corner of my eye I see her mouth open
slightly and she wets her lips with her tongue. Oh God.

Be still my heart. Please be still. This cannot be happening. Thrown half
way across the universe into wonderland. Thru a wormhole, into a
wonderland, with a very thorny briar patch and big bad wolves with very
sharp teeth. How much more can my life suck.

I want to suck on that lower lip. Take it into my mouth and just pull at it
gently with my teeth. Sweat breaks out on my forehead and I try very hard
to.... No, no, nothing hard here. And I shift on the seat very
uncomfortably.

I glance over at her again, trying not to, but finding I just have to.

That mouth..I want that mouth so much. As much as I wanted that model
rocket set when I was 4 years old. I played up holy hell for the folks to
get that set. I don't think throwing a tantrum will get me what I want this
time though. Put those thoughts on hold Johnny boy or you could be in some
serious dren.

This was supposed to be a walk in the park..Just out for a little driving
lesson and then quicker then you can say mississipi mud cake everything
gets shot to hell.
After the first spill and seeing Aeryn unconscious and thinking the worst.
Well, I never knew I was such a drama queen. But seeing her not moving
there on the floor of the pod. Well my heart was still for just a moment.
One of those moments in time that seems to stand still but really only
lasts for barely a second.
And the clarity of that moment consumes me with its intensity. Now when I
have time, when we are truly safe, I let myself ponder the ramifications of
that moment.

When did my little ex peacekeeper turn into a desirable woman and not just
an on the run traveling companion. And being the honest guy I am, I think I
answered my own question. My little ex peacekeeper. When did I start
thinking of her as being mine.

I kissed gilina, I wanted gilina, I remember that clearly. Yeah, and though
that is true...I am after all just a guy.. And she was the first normal
looking female to show any warmth to me since I got shot thru that
wormhole, well it is only to be expected. I am after all just a guy. And
most of us guys will take love in any of its forms where we can get it.

And the chick with the long dark braid never let on that she found me
interesting before that. Now there is a great euphemism. I have to admit I
found her slightly more than 'interesting' after she kicked my butt clear
across the room the first time we met.
Another moment in time etched on my brain and in my heart.
Up there with my first solo bike ride, my first home run, my first date, my
first kiss, my first grope. My first black eye. My first car. The first
time I looked up at the stars and knew that one day I would be up there
flying high with nothing but the dark expanse for company. And the thrill,
the rush, each and every one of those things gave me.

Yeah, she is up there with all of that. And she is so much more already.
And that scares me just about a much as when I realized my Mum was really,
really sick. I barely recovered from losing my Mum. And looking across at
Aeryn for about the hundredth time in so many seconds, I think, no, I know,
she could hurt me just as much if not more.

We nearly both died today and I am only thinking of touching her, of
wanting to find out what is underneath all that military breeding. We
nearly died today and I am still only remembering the touch of her lips on
mine.
I did die today. Aeryn gave me the shot. I was scared and then resigned. I
taught her how to do CPR. There wasn't much time but I still feel her mouth
under mine as I demonstrate the technique. Moist, open and trembling. I
just concentrated on the task at hand and locked away those carnal
thoughts. For the moment anyway.

She gave me the shot. She was all soldier and down to business. The next
second I feel the pain and then nothing until I gasp for air and she is
there above me. And really it was that soldier that saved us cause I truly
don't know that I could have given her the shot that would have killed her.
Aeryn dead, by my own hand. Never in this lifetime.
To see her lay there dead and try to get the job done..The pain of it would
have wasted precious moments.

When she told me she didn't finish the welding, for a fraction of a second
I was angry but then I thought. I was dead anyway and if I can get to spend
the last of my moments with Aeryn then just maybe the cost is worth it.
And then she asked me if there was anything after I died. And I told her I
saw nothing. That was true but what about what I didn't tell her.
That if a man had to die, her face was about the nicest thing to see before
the dark. That the strength in that beautiful face gave me hope that we
just might survive this day. And as traumatic as coming back was. Feeling
her straddling my body gave me quite a different jolt. One I liked, a lot.
Definitely guy logic.

When we were trying to tear each other's suits off to get to the good bits
I was thinking about Alex. Fleetingly the thought crossed my mind. For the
first time I am glad Alex and I went our separate ways. Cause I don't know
that even a ring on my finger could have stopped what fate has in store for
me. I used to think my future was with Alex but now I am certain it is not.

And all because fate shot me thru that wormhole and showed me the wonder
that is this woman sitting very near to me.

Be still my heart. Be very still. Because this is not an easy road. And it
isn't a road I have made up my mind to travel.
Inside me is opening up a cauldron of possibilities but they are not
without cost. Just have to put it aside and concentrate on surviving and on
getting home. But now when I think about the trip home it is a trip for
two.

And I know myself. I am an all or nothing kind of guy. If I take that
irreversible step towards the unknown I am going to jump in heart first and
think later. And the scary thing is that even after thinking about it I
would probably decide to jump anyway.

I don't know exactly when and how Aeryn came to be included with all things
I treasure but I know she is.
But it is all still so very unknown and frightening and new.. Be still my
heart. Be very still.

And so as we stand together at the command center, I try to make light of
the day.

"You are the female of the species, right." I say to her.

She gives me that look and I turn away.

Yeah she surely is a female. But unlike any other female I have ever known.
And I just know those differences are going to make my life very difficult.
I smile though as I walk away from her.
Because I also know that those very differences are what is going to make
my life very, very, 'interesting.'
And I am up for a spot of 'interesting.' Oh yeah am I ever up.

Contact Sara-Le

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Title...Be Still My Heart

Companion piece for To Remember
This is John's point of view.


Disclaimer...I still own nothing.
John's thoughts after The Flax
If you saw the ep you can read this.
feedback...
sagey@austarnet.com.au


 
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